The Age Old Debate

All moms are critical of each other. Even if we say we aren't judging or don't mean to, we still have an opinion about others' parenting. One of the biggest debates are that of MWOH (mothers working outside the home...I could very well have just made that acronym up) vs. SAHM (the stay at home mom). I have been on both sides of this one and that is where my opinion on the matter comes into play.

When I had my first child I was going to school and work. Once I graduated I went to work full time and shortly after that I became a SAHM. My reasons for becoming a stay at home mom were practical...for the most part. My husband was scheduled to go out to sea for an extended period and to me, it just didn't seem fair to my daughter. I wanted to be able to give her all of my attention and to make up for his absence. I also figured it would be difficult to shuffle her around to daycare and from daycare while fighting to get everywhere on time. So that started my approximately 5 year stint as a full time mom.

Now that I have 3 children and are back "home" from our duty station in Connecticut, I figured it was time to go back to work. This was mostly fueled by my need to have mom time as well as the need to feel like I contribute more to my family.

With that being said, I want to say that both have its pros and cons. As a SAHM I loved being available and flexible to my children on a regular basis. However, being around my children literally 24/7 was rough. I never felt like I had a break from working. I love them all to pieces as is politically correct to say. However, they are certainly a handful and as I've said once, twice, a million times before, it is important to take care of yourself and have some mom time so you can appreciate the time with your children that much more. As a SAHM I hated the stigma that I didn't do anything all day. I was also tired of being judged for not having a house that was spotless and everything in its place. That was annoying as heck. The truth of the matter is that I tried to have fun with the kids while also following them around the house picking up the tornados they created. It was a vicious circle. All the while, I had to try to keep the household running with bills, chores, shopping (and I'm not just talking retail here). To top it off, I felt like I couldn't make any of the larger family decisions - which car we should purchase, which house to rent, etc. I wasn't making any of the money so what gives me the right to say it's OK to spend such a large amount on a single thing.

As a working mom I love that I have a separate life than that revolved around my 3 little minions. I feel like there is more depth to me and I feel like I'm a better mom to the children because I miss them when I am away from home and I have a little more patience with them. On the other hand, it is certainly a balancing act. I struggle to get to my kids' daycare before they close after work and I have no energy to make them a home cooked meal or to check homework and bathe them before bed. I appreciate that I'm bringing home a paycheck, but in all honesty I'm certainly not going to make it rich because childcare eats up 50-75% of that money. Most of the negative stigma toward MWOH is that they are not the ones raising their children and/or that they have no time for anything besides work and children.

Therefore, my opinion alone, is that being a mom is not easy whether you are at home with your children or working outside the home. We do what we need to out of necessity. Moms who are home with their children cherish that time with them and are doing their best to raise them the best way they know how. And these moms should never feel like they do not have a say in the important family decisions because raising your children is a huge contribution to the family. And not all moms have the pleasure of choosing to stay home with their children. This is not a bad thing...they are providing a certain lifestyle for their family and are likely doing a better job parenting then if they were overly stressed and frustrated with being at home all day. It doesn't make you a terrible parent for feeling like you need a break from your kids or wanting to strangle them every now and again.

Whether you are a good or bad parent has nothing to do with your "job" and has everything to do with what you do with the moments that count. Do you make every effort to go to your children's sporting events or school plays? Do you listen to your children and show an interest in their interests? Do you snuggle with them every chance you get and are you paving the way for a happy, healthy, successful life for them? Even though we are ultimately going to judge others for their parenting whether it be outspoken or subconscious, keep in mind that you can't possibly know everyone's story. We are all a band of mothers and should help each other out and stand by each other.